8 Types of Bad Drivers

I know this is a huge deviation from my normal topics, but this is the only post about this topic I will make (at least as long as I can foresee). It's just something that's been on my brain for a couple of days, something I've been thinking about on my way to and from work. I have time to kill and sometimes random trains of thought pop up in the back of my mind. [BTW, Mom when you read this, excuse the foul language. :) ]

This is a (somewhat snarky) public service announcement.

I commute to and from work five days a week, and I’ve seen the daily drive really bring out the worst in people (including me--I sometimes turn into a sailor when people are particularly idiotic on the roads), so much so that I felt compelled to categorize those bad drivers I've come across into eight classes. I’m not bothering to note small things, like someone who makes a lane change without using their signal, because this list would be endless if I did. This is meant to be part humorous, part serious as all of these behaviors are dangerous in some way. So if you fall into one of these categories, WAKE UP! Do your part to keep not only yourself but those around you safe on the road.

The Braker: This is the driver that hits his/her brakes for everything, regardless of if there is a need or not. Someone comes into their lane well ahead of them, they brake. Someone passes them at a fast speed on one side, they brake. They’re going under the speed limit and they see a parked cop car, they break. A cockroach burps on the side of the road, they brake. And when they do, it sets off a chain reaction in the cars behind them (maybe that’s how traffic jams happen in the first place). Stop being so brake-happy. Try just removing your foot from the gas instead. (Note: I realize it's a fine line between the Braker and someone who is being a safe driver. But braking for no real reason can be dangerous as cars behind the Braker are not able to anticipate this behavior. Hence why brake-checking someone--although it might be a satisfying revenge--is also dangerous behavior.)

The Tailer: I cannot count how many times I’ve come across this driver. This is the person that is driving perilously close to your car. In fact, they’re so damn close that you can barely see the hood of their car in your rearview mirror. And instead of doing the smart thing and going around you, they plant themselves as close to you as a snail’s fart to intimidate you into going faster. Well here’s a news break to all the tailers out there: I will not go faster. In fact, if you do this to me, I will remove my foot from the gas and start slowing down because I sure as shit don’t want to have to make a sudden stop with you that close to my car. Either back away from my car or go around.

The Dallier: Why do they call it rush hour? Because everyone is rushing to work in the morning and rushing home at night. Most people don’t want to dilly-dally on the roads; they have places to be and things to do. Except for the dalliers. These guys drive like it’s always Sunday. And I don’t mean those who drive to keep a safe distance between them and the car ahead of them; I mean those drivers that have about 200 yards and counting between them and the traffic ahead, and the traffic ahead is steadily increasing the gap. And most of the time, I see these cars in the passing lanes or lanes for faster traffic.  Please drive at the rate of traffic, or at the very least MOVE OVER. If the speed on the freeway is too much for you, use the city streets. And stay out of the carpool lane. Just because you can legally use the carpool lane doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

The Blocker: We’ve all had to merge into another lane to get off the freeway or otherwise get to where we need to go. The blocker relishes speeding up and purposely closing the gap between him/her and the car ahead so you can’t get in. These guys love to act like they own the 10x6’ area of pavement they’re driving on. Really? Do you really need to do that? You can’t sacrifice the two seconds of time to let someone in because heaven forbid you get wherever you’re going two seconds too late? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that by owning that BMW or Mercedes you actually get to ignore the rules of common courtesy (yes I know, that’s a stereotype). Oddly enough, I see these guys get pushy to get into lanes too. Go figure.

The Weaver: I know everyone has to have seen this driver. The weaver seems to be under the mistaken impression that he/she can save loads of time and gas by weaving in and out of slower traffic to find the “fastest” route. This kind of behavior is made doubly dangerous when he/she doesn’t use a signal and just strong-arms their way in and out of lanes. I wonder if these guys know that all they’re doing is using up gas and creating more wear and tear on their vehicles for time they’re not really gaining? Half the time they get stuck and I pass them up just going with the flow of traffic. Don’t fight the flow!

The Blind Man: Drivers should realize that you need to be aware at all times when operating a motor vehicle. After all, your mistakes can mean someone’s life (I’ve heard at least one story on the news every day this week highlighting fatal or near-fatal car accidents). So why people think they can move without looking where they’re going is beyond me. The Blind Man moves without being fully aware of his/her surroundings—and maybe they don’t care; they act like they don’t care. They try to change lanes without making sure no one else is there. They make turns without first checking that no one with the right-of-way (aka someone with a green light) is trying to turn as well (there’s a place near where I live where this happens ALL THE TIME). There’s a very easy cure for this blindness—LOOK BEFORE YOU MAKE A MOVE. There, problem solved.

The Texter: Ah, the texter. Funny to think that this type of driver wasn’t even really around 8+ years ago. And now the roads are plagued with them. You can spot them pretty easily. Their car sways within its lane, there’s a large space between them and the car in front of them, and they apply their brakes a lot (hey they sound like they’re part Braker, part Dallier!). I’ve seen obvious texters sway into the lanes on either side of them, often nearly hitting other vehicles. Guess what? It’s obvious what you’re doing, despite how sly you think you are. You really can’t drive well at the same time you’re on your smartphone (even though you think you’re hot stuff and no one is noticing). Stop texting, put the phone down, and pay attention to the road. Otherwise, one day, you will be forced to put your phone down because you’ll be going to prison for manslaughter charges. And that stain will be on your record forever after you serve time. I hope you have a sugar mama or daddy that will be able to support your ass when you can't get a job.

The Asshole: The asshole driving style can be summed up in one word: reckless. I don’t see these drivers often, but when I do, I try to stay out of their way. This driver breaks so many rules of the road it’s a wonder they still have a license (then again, maybe they don’t). And they don’t care that they break them. Their driving style puts everyone at risk, but most of the time they’re speeding so fast that luckily a person isn’t at risk long before the asshole is already far enough down the road to no longer be a threat. To all the assholes out there, if I see you and I can legally use my cellphone, rest assured I will be doing so to report you to the highway patrol.

These are by no means exclusive, and people can fall into more than one class. Don’t be one of these drivers. Please drive carefully and conscientiously. Keep a weather eye out for these guys, and be safe!